Monster 18 : Martian

I love Martians. Edgar Rice Burroughs, H.G. Wells, Ray Bradbury, I love all the different ways they are portrayed. So, in honor of some of the coolest books a
twelve year old boy could read, I present today's Monster of the Day.
As with all of the Monsters, click on the picture to see the full view.
( Can you believe that those Mars Rovers are still working? )

Monster 17 : The Seat Kicker

Today's Monster of the Day is actually a nice guy. The Seat Kicker is very friendly
and is a great conversationalist. He gets excited about the same films that you do!
Go to a movie, he's there, in the seat behind you.
Just as the alien/monster/psycho killer is about to attack, there go his feet, kicking at the back of your seat.
Little nudges at first, but then they progress to filling-loosening assaults. He can't help it, he's just so excited,(and look at the size of those feet).
But he's also embarrassed that he bothered you, and due to his lightning speed,
by the time you turn around to see who is doing it, he's gone.
So...you turn around and try to get lost in the movie again.
And he returns to the seat behind you, because he likes you.
Wait a minute....is the girl going into the same room that the killer is hiding in?
There go his feet again...

Monster 16 : Lucky Duck

Don't be fooled by today's Monster of the Day, Lucky Duck.
Sure, he's got a pleasant enough smile and seems friendly,
but one look in those eyes tells you everything you need to know.
He's the guy that gets the parking spot that you just saw, and
did a quick u-turn to try and get to it, and you get to the spot,
just in time to see him pull in.
He's the guy that gets the Scratch Off that wins $25,000. The same ticket that you were about to buy, but you had to run out to the car because you forgot your wallet.
He's the guy who gets to the interview first, because he was able to get on the elevator that you missed because all of the coffee you drank during your 45 minute drive suddenly kicks in and you have to find the bathroom.
He also gets the job because you leave a bad impression with HR, due to the giant wet spot on the front of your pants, due to the overflow of the artsy fartsy sink in the restroom.
I could go on, but you get the message. Just keep telling yourself that one day, he'll get his.
( He won't, but you knew that ).

Monster 15 : Bored as Hell

Today's Monster of the Day is " Bored as Hell ". Nobody, and I mean nobody can work a sigh or complain about being bored as a teenager can.
So, it's all this demon's fault when you are trying to drag yourself through another excruciatingly sloooooooooow day.
Don't worry, though. He'll get his. Even in Hell they have pop Algebra quizzes.

Men's Room Mauler

You're on the road, making good time but you're still a half hour away from home. You'll never make it and you know it.
It could have been the 99¢ " All You Can Eat Tacos " buffet. Maybe it was the sausage and biscuit from that fast food joint.
How it happens doesn't matter. What does matter is how quickly can you find a men's room before you have a non-tire related blow-out.
You pull in to the station, frantically get the key from the clerk, and rush to the door only to find....he's been there first.
That's right. Ordinarily you never get a peek at this elusive creature, but today is your " lucky " day.
Now you know who is to blame for the condition of almost every men's room in the nation.
Bookstores, cafes, etc., you name it, he hits them.
But the big question is...what do you do now?
The whistle is blowing, and the " train " is about to leave the " station ".
So I give you Today's Monster of the Day : the Men's Room Mauler.
( I'll bet the seat's still warm ).

Monster 13 : Karaoke Kreep

There you are, sitting in a bar, quietly sipping your drink,
ignoring that menu of songs, next to the napkins on your table,that are available on the Karaoke machine.
Suddenly, out of the darkness comes a person, man or woman, doesn't matter.

But what does matter is that while they have been enjoying their adult beverage of choice, this little guy has been convincing them that what

the world really needs, right now, is for them to belt out a rendition of " Feelings".
Or " The Piña Colada " song.
You know, those songs from the Seventies that you really wish hadn't
made it to the digital age.
The only way to combat this vile creature is to drink three Kamikazes
in rapid succession, and then proceed to sing the entire Karaoke catalog
of the Beatles' songs.
Yeah...that's the ticket! That's what the world really needs.
Do it. Do it now!

Monster 12 : Twin Pines Lunatic

" Meatballs" is a favorite movie of mine. Maybe it's because I had learned all of my romantic techniques from the Bill Murray character. Maybe it's because of the clunky acting, or that bushel of hair on top of Christopher Makepeace's head. Or maybe, it's this scene from the movie that still cracks me up. Let's join the campers around their fire...
"I remember a night like this a few years ago. A guy and a girl went out driving.
It was one of their first dates.
It started out kind of casual, but they ended up deciding to go park.
Not too far from here, as a matter of fact.
They're going at it, listening to the radio.
All of a sudden, a news bulletin broke in:
'Dangerous lunatic has escaped... from the
hospital for the criminally insane at Two Pines'."
"Oh, come on, Trip."
"They described him as a monster, six and a half feet tall,
280 pounds... with one horrible,
distinguishing feature... a sharpened, stainless steel hook..."
"Oh, God."
"...Where his right hand used to be.
That was enough for the guy. He slammed the car into gear,
floored it, bounced off a tree... didn't stop till they got
to the girl's house.
Got out of his side, walked around to hers.
There, hanging in the door, covered with blood... was a stainless steel hook.
The strangest part is that after all these years...
after the biggest manhunt in Two Pines' history...
they never found the killer.
Some people say he's still up here in the woods...
waiting for the chance to kill again.
And I say... I say they're right! "
Then, the classic wrap-up to this scene:
"That's a bullshit story."
"You guys, it's true. I heard it before."
"I heard it was on a beach."
"Yeah."
" I heard it happened in a park."
" I heard it, but the guy was missing a foot."
"How could the guy have a hook on his foot?"
So, today's monster, with Hook On Foot, is the Twin Pines Lunatic!